How to be Dumped
... (and how to dump)
I have recently been writing about being dumped and it never fails to stir within me the heartache of losing someone you really love. Especially the first time. (Although, back then I wish I’d know the cathartic power of writing because the woman he ran off with inspired my poem ‘The Trollop of Scunthorpe’, which I consider one of my finest works).
Now bearing in mind the rise of the Incel movement (because we have to put a tag on everything these days) I have thought for a long while that what is missing from the school curriculum is a lesson in how to be dumped. Or how to dump. Because it ain’t a nice thing to happen to anyone is it, but it usually does have to happen somewhere in life. And maybe, just maybe, if there was an hour lesson in schools, it just might help some poor young soul get through a traumatic time, or at least lessen the blow of it. Because it is a baptism of fire when it happens and a young person flounders in the flames, but it could be made easier. So I wrote this. And it also might be of use to people who aren’t at school because I’m pretty sure - like me - many people not in the first flush of youth make a total cock of getting dumped and do all the wrong things. Getting dumped is like driving in snow. Your instincts take you in the wrong direction - steering away from the skid instead of steering into it which is what we should do. We drown in heartbreak, hurt ourselves, play ‘It’s Over’ by Roy Orbison and dissolve. So I hope the below helps someone - anyone. Because it has been written by someone who has a PhD in being dumped. And in hurtful ways. I could have been saved a lot of pain had I been dumped by a higher calibre of boyfriend. Admittedly that agony, those shed tears have been reformed into words, into my writing, into a useful fuel which has put some brass in my bank - thank you shit boyfriends. But it would have been nice to have been let down gently as one did, and I forever think of him as a gent who carried my heart in his hands, unlike the others who kicked it round the pitch like the busted football they made me into. Nice man. Lovely man.
So here goes… How to be Dumped. How to Dump. By an expert. Ahem…
One of the most delightfully impactful things that hits us when we are young and our hormones are stretching awake and preparing to blossom is young love. And one of the hardest to cope with is when it goes sour because in nine cases out of ten, the first cut really is the deepest and the memories of it are welded to our souls for always. It affects everything: sleep, appetite, ego, the pain is almost physical (I say ‘almost’ it blimming feels very real). It is all encompassing, especially when the person who was once the centre of our world shares a classroom and daily contact can’t be severed as cleanly as adults might.
At least in my day when I roamed with the dinosaurs, we could cut off which made it easier to move on, but today where everyone is connected, information is everywhere. It is too easy to torture yourselves and look people up on the net, see what they’re doing – and with whom, and steep in the bitter waters of the rejected. I have wondered in the rise of information about a new label for young people to wear that if they were more equipped to deal with rejection, this would have saved some boys from graduating from the school of the new buzzword ‘Incel’. Prevention is always better than cure.
It is hard to imagine that the person around whom your dreams were centred one day will drift so far out of your focus, you can’t even remember their surname. Hard to believe when your heart and every waking (and dreaming) moment is still full of them that one day you will find someone who kicks them out and occupies the space instead. But it happens nearly always. And when you are the one who wants to move on, maybe there is some sense in learning how to let go, because that is as valuable to know as how to be ‘let go of’.
If you are the one letting go, it isn’t easy to do properly and damage limitation should be a consideration. Put yourself out for the other person, cause them the least pain you can because in years to come you’ll be proud of being strong enough to be decent. Trust me, the cleaner and kinder the break, the better it is for you too, for your reputation and self-respect and also your future guilt feelings. Be the bigger person and don’t dip out of meeting them; dumping someone by text is a twat’s trick and won’t show you in a great light either. A meeting is best done in private (unless you have safety concerns). Keep it simple and clear why you want to split, try to avoid the blame game, it won’t be constructive. Be kind, it’s okay to say you had some good times and listen to what the other person has to say. If they are emotional because they’re in shock or pain, balance that out and stay calm but you’ve made the decision to split, so keep your boundaries well defined. Stand firm if they beg you to change your mind because that’s the equivalent of a small plaster on a big wound and it will fall off very quickly, changing nothing. Avoid the ‘Let’s stay friends’ trap because it’s not going to work in the early stages of a break up when emotions are running high and one of you is on the ‘begging end’ always hoping for more. It is better to cut contact, don’t be tempted to ‘slip into their DMs’ to see how they are, you may give them false hope of a reconciliation. And you need time to heal too because it’s a difficult thing letting go. You may even feel that you’ve made a mistake or you’re missing being with them, because we do tend to glorify the good times. Your emotions are likely to be mixed as well, especially if that person is nice and you’ve just fallen out of like/love with them and wish you still had their company. But don’t use them.
Of course, it’s much easier to split up with someone who has given you good reason. But that can still be difficult too because you remember the lovely side of them and you have to end it with nice Dr Jekyll as well as Mr Hyde because you can’t pick and choose elements of them. But a split is a split, even if you want it to happen it should be absolute. And a split is a really good time for a social media mini-break on either side. You need time to recalibrate. So in short: boundaries up, be firm and respectful. Be kind.
Of course to be dumped is, on balance, harder because you aren’t in control, and you would hope that the person who is letting you go has read the above because even when it’s easy and straightforward, it’s still hard. But it takes two to have a relationship and if one wants to leave… that relationship is no more because it’s both in or none in. Hanging on is no good for either of you. Do you really want to be with someone who doesn’t want you? Time does heal, eventually – it’s not a fast process and knowing that you have to put up with what feels like 24/7 pain isn’t a great prospect. But it isn’t physical pain and as such, with effort, you will come through it. It will NOT kill you (even if it feels as if it might). You will get to the point where you surprise yourself because you haven’t thought about that person for five minutes, then an hour, then a day. Take that as a positive that you are healing, but not if you hang on mentally and are always hoping they’d suddenly declare they made a mistake, that’s a total waste of your time and energy.
You have to help yourself here and be factful rather than fanciful, and that way you will feel as if you are in the driving seat, which is always a better place to be, strength rather than weakness. Fight the urge to check up on them on social media, because if you do this, you are setting yourself backwards time and time again, reopening the wound and giving it no chance to heal. And if you are tempted to contact them, do something that dissuades you because further rejection is going to sting even more. Blocking them is best, it takes the urge away, it doesn’t have to be a spiteful move, just a self-protective one. Imagine you’re telling your best friend what to do in this situation and take that advice yourself. And don’t try to drown your sorrow in booze because that won’t make anything better. You’ll feel crap and you’re more likely to say/do things you really regret. Keep in control. Keep your dignity.
Don’t beat yourself up that you are a bad person/ugly/awful, it would be so much easier if we could pick who to love, but we can’t and our hearts just don’t play the game. Moping around to show the other person you are sad will not guilt-trip them into coming back, in fact it will turn them further away so what’s the point? BUT give yourself permission to feel upset, confused, lonely. You are going to cry – cry yourself out, you’ll feel better. Talk to your friends and let them cheer you up, which shouldn’t involve demonising the other person if they have fallen out of love with you – people move on, that shit happens. They aren’t evil and you aren’t a victim. Let your mum/dad look after you. You can go around in circles trying to work out what happened to make that other person not want you any more, but you won’t always find the answer. It just is.
Sometimes writing down your feelings really helps, in a letter form to the other person. Say everything you want to in it, but don’t send it, burn it instead. Accept the fact of life that people’s feelings change and nothing can be done about it. That person was right for you once, but is no more and so it has to end but someone who is right for you will come along. It might take a while, but being alone is much better than being with the wrong person – and alone does not necessarily mean lonely. There are people in relationships who feel lonely… and what’s the point in that?
Do NOT be tempted to have sex ‘one last time’. It won’t be romantic, it won't change anything. If they agree to it - you’re going to feel used. Because they’re using you or are guilt-tripped into it and neither of those are good.
Being busy helps. Anything that stops you thinking about them. And even though heartbreak doesn’t leave a physical mark, it is a wound of sorts (to your mental health) and as such needs some self-care: rest, good food, some exercise. Make yourself feel better any way you can: new lipstick, a good book (very good for mental health) going to the cinema, coffee with friends, watching a match, a walk clears the head and puts thoughts in order. A break up is grief in its raw form and grief has stages: denial, anger, bargaining, depression… and then finally acceptance. Once you know what you have to face, things become a little more manageable because you can see that light will eventually enter that dark horizon. This too will pass was a piece of advice given to me years ago and it’s true. Every storm has an eye, but it’s temporary.
Think of it as being forced to wade through a river every step forward is a step closer to the dry-bank land at the other side of it, every step a small victory so celebrate each one. You will get there. Some reach it faster than others, but they all finally get there. Embrace that you have survived a break-up, kept your dignity and grown a harder shell. In short: it’s going to be shit, but then you heal daily and are wiser and stronger for it. It just takes some effort. And a new, better happiness is looking for a heart with a vacancy to occupy. Nearly every one of us who have had our hearts broken has said, ‘It won’t happen to me. I’ll be the exception to the rule. I’ll never meet anyone better than X’. But we do…
Wise words. x
Wise words indeed